Grudge, Guilt and Revenge
Forgiveness can be understood as the "antidote" for those three emotions. Emotions the most of us would define as being "destructive", "dark" and "unwished" emotions. Grudge often comes up related to situations that caused us hurt or harm. Revenge is felt when special persons did us harm and guilt if we did something harmful.
Nonetheless, revenge, grudge or guilt aren't the only emotions related to forgiveness. For me, there also are such deep emotions like fury, fear, pain and most important grief.
It depends on what we wish or are suppose to forgive. Were we harmed by someone else (the most common version of something to be forgiven)? Or is it a harm no one caused, but fate brought naturally? Or is ita mistake we did, so we did hurt someone else?
There are a lot of reasons for forgiveness. And for me, the word "forgiveness" is related to words like "peace" and "solace".
Every injury that needs to be forgiven (whether self-inflicted or caused by others) irrevocably brings pain, grief and fury. We don't long for revenge, absolution or the satisfaction of a grudge. We yearn for solace and peace - for calm and love.
What does forgiveness mean?
Pardon and forgiveness seems easier to define than it really is. Does forgiving mean to forget all and act as if it never happened? Does it mean to be in total peace and alignement with oneself or the person who did harm? Does it only mean to let go off the feelings of revenge, guilt or anger?
The answer must be found individually. Regarded throug a slightly scientifc lens, one can summarize it like this: Forgiveness means a transformation, leading to the acceptance of "negative" emotions, then to reduction, thereby enabling us to relationship in a more positive way. This process occurs in countless steps and on many levels.
Linguistically speaken the word means - when we regard different languages- something like "breaking free, letting go, leave, give away".
In spiritual circles we often find the idea of radical forgiveness as an expression of spiritual awakening and unconditional love.
Troubles of radical forgiveness
Speaking psychologically and on a deeply human leve,l I find this idea of radical forgiveness difficult and I view it critically. This is why we encounter a common pitfall of the spiritual circles again - the strict sorting in "good or bad".
Emotions like fury, grudge, guilt, grief, maybe even shame are not bad per se. Mainly (we have to difference carefully) they really are offering a low energy frequency and surely they are no emotions we should stay in for a longer while, because this would be destructive.
But, they are important and right - and ja, even if I will offend some of my spiritual readers now, my opinion is that we can NOT forgive all and everything and maybe we even shouldn't.
Related to "easy, daily" injuries like after a big fight or maybe even a painful breakup the idea of forgiving radically may work out. But, what if we go deeper? What about murder, abuse, deepest betrayal? I guess, it is necessary do draw a line here.
It would be destructive and toxic to expect total forgiveness of a person who went trough such situations. I do not see any sense in it, no benefit. We chose this life and world in the clear decision to experience ALL emotions of human existence (like in Neale Donald Walsch and his "Little Soul and Sun".) This includes the hard ones, like grudge and pain.
And this is the point where my own spiritual experience (in trances, seances and channelings) alignes with my "earthy" heart feeling and with psychological facts.
"Go beyond"
The most psychological approaches related to forgiveness (like the approaches of the most famous scientist E. Worthington or the Acceptance-and-Commitment-Therapy ACT) show us (simplified!) a clear idea:
Forgiveness doesn't mean to meditate all the negative emotions or thoughts away or to search guilt or causality within yourself. Forgiveness means to see the destructive emotions, accept and integrate them. One often reads "Go beyond the emotions" - the first step is to accept and work with these emotions.
Afterwards you have to find peace with what happened... step by step, level by level (and they can incldue loops and throwbacks).
Going beyond your emotions means to take pain, grief, guilt, anger and shame by the hand and move forward. They are part of the story and you make peace with them. This peace leads to calm and solace and love.
This includes - especially with deep wounds - to accept the fact that these emotions maybe never will disappear completely, are allowed to return sometimes. You accept this, too. And make peace again.
This doesn't mean you have to find okay or good what happened once. You may be scared, angry or full of pain again, time by time. It means these emotions are part of you (and maybe they'll disappear one day) but they don't control or influence you anymore.
Forgiving yourself
One of the most difficult versions of forgiveness is to forgive yourself.
A lot of persons are able to forgive other persons after they did harm (especially when the injury is not deep). Most of us forgive quick and truthful. But forgiving yourself seems to be way more difficult.
The most important step to self- forgiveness is being racidally honest to yourself. To admit the "guilt" or "failure" to yourself. And it is important to accept all the related emotions - and integrate them later.
Forgiving yourself is hard. Especially for those of us who were raised more or less strictly, having the pattern that failure lowers our value and has to be prevented or at least hidden, no matter what.
So, the first step is to get aware: I am human. Failures are part of life and they do NOT lower my value, not the tiniest little bit!
With this, you can admit the failure to yourself. Be loving with yourself and forgive yourself.
How I got to peace with my failing
Years ago, I felt forced to make a decision that I will never truly forgive myself. At least not in that spirital sense of unconditional closure.
By writing "forced" I want to make clear that I decided something my heart and mind never ever would have wished for, but all the alternatives far worse. Sometimes we only can choose between "bad" and "worse".
And yes, dear "super awakened readers", this still happens while being spiritual and rooted. Because earthly life also offers "bad" moments, they are part of the life contract, at least for the most of us. If you don't belong to this majority, fine, congrats. But - sorry to say - this has nothing to do with the number of hours you spent on your yoga mat or the amount of incense you smoked during the last years. It has to do with the fact what your soul registered for in this loop of life. Let us talk again when you have finished the next one. 😎
What I really, really learned during the last years is: Whenever I remember the moment and the period when I had to make this decision... I feel the intense pain, the fury against myself (maybe there would have been another way, despite of all facts??), the grudge for the persons who "forced" me to this decision and a lot of grief, because it had to be this way.
But only for a moment.
Those moments got fewer and fewer, shorter and more gentle - the more I surrendered to them. At first, I also thought: "Hey, I am spiritual and awakened, I have to forgive anyone else and myself and only am supposed to feel light and love and peace and nothing else."
... this didn't work out, in the end. Not a bit!
The calm didn't come until I allowed these unpleasant emotions to flow through me like a waterfall And then there was peace, solace and forgiveness.
Today I can forgive myself and the others this failure. I forgave and forgive every day again.
This is a decision - a commitment. I decide to realize I can't change the past and always did my best. And the others did, too - I guess. And even if not, it was nothing I would have been able to change. It is, what is is - because it was, what it was.
I accept, I surrender what has been and what is today.
Anyway, I allow all those emotions of fury, pain and grief to be with me - way less intense and without control over me anymore. I made peace with them.
Forgiving yourself for others to do so
I often meet persons who are not able to forgive themselves - and the same moment, they are troubled with forgiving others. And even more troubled to understand, why others don't forgive them.
This makes sense in any way - energetically as pyschologically:
If you can not forgive yourself, you hold on to the energy and frequency of anger, shame, grudge, pain and grief.
If you can not forgive yourself, you are troubled with admitting your own failures. This is very understandable, as we all are conditioned to be perfect and full-functional. Without failure.
Either we don't even admit the failure or if we do we totally judge ourself for it and rate us as a person as a failure in general (not only the specific decision or situation).
While being in this state it is very hard to accept failures of someone else without lowering its value (in our rating) - so, it is hard to forgive.
And this energy is what we project onto everyone around us. We also often act this way when communcating with others - this is why it is hard for us to find forgiveness by others.
It may be compared with the idea of being loved while not loving yourself and being very loveless with yourself.
Our environment is a mirror of how we treat ourself. In Psychology this pattern is known as "ressonance". Neurobiologically spoken we are "programmed" to treat everyone harsh and very judging, because we treat ourselves this loveless and harsh, too. Unforgiving.
Energetically-spiritually we project this negotiating, resistant energy - which leads to the inability to forgive.
Imagine a stone you throw to a hard surface like asphalt. It will bounce off and be pushed away.
If you throw the stone to soft gras, sand or earth, it will be catched.
The question is: How do you treat yourself and your failure? Are you the asphalt or the grass?
Be the grass.
Practice for self-forgiveness
Imagine to go back to the point you once failed. Look carefully if you maybe could have done something different. Ask yourself: Is this certain? Or was there something about the decision that caused your failure that - retrospective - brought you something that may even be positive ? And would a different way have lead, maybe, to even worse outcomings?
Now, get back to the real roment with your mind. Take your Past You as gentle by the hand as you would do with your beloved child. And say (inside of you): "Peace be with you. Peace be with me." Or something like "I choose peace". Try to say, too: "I forgive you. I forgive me." Now, dive into your unpleasant emotions of this moment. Grief, pain, grudge, fury. Do not be afraid of them. It is long gone, you are safe. Take them by the hand. In peace.
Bow to them. Try to thank them for all they did, because even if they felt so harsh, they had their task, too. Make peace.
While making peace, try to exhale intensely. This way you can fix it even more and support your visualization physically / earthly.
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I must tell you: This may not work out the first time(s), let's be honest. It is not easy.
And maybe you will not succeed with every step of this visualization. This is okay!!! If pain and co. are overwhelming, let them flow, give space. If you need to let the emotions flow before finding peace, let them. And please do understand this visualization as a kind of blueprint, giving you impulses - do it, as it feels good for you.
Step through the waterfall
You are love.
You are wonderful and worthy - exactly the way you are.
You are imperfect and this makes you as perfect as you can be.
Yes, you may have made mistakes, may have failed. Maybe someone did you harm. This is sad and painful, makes furious and most times it is unfair.
It is.
But none of your failures lowers your value. You are worthy of love. You are not to blame and guilt doesn't exist. It is, what it is.
I wish you with all my heart to find peace and being able to get closer to forgiveness. Without pressure you won't be allowed to feel any negative emotion again. Do it step by step. It is a process.
Imagine the way to forgiveness like the way through a waterfall, a waterfall of emotions.
Step through and beyond - go beyond and continue from there.
You will always here the sound of the falling water. And during stormy days, when the river gets wilder and swells, you may also be we in the face again by its spray. But you stepped through - and beyond.
You will make it.
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